If you have teeth, then you’ve probably been to the dentist.
And, if you can forgive the assumptions, I will also and say there was a time where it was the most terrifying place you could possibly be.
In fact if you’ve found this article, then it still may be.

And who can blame you- You walk in to a weirdly dark room, your dentist, a charming white guy who won’t wipe the smile off his face, is waiting for you but saying nothing.
Why the smile? Why won’t he say anything? Is that the head of a person resting on the chair? Imagine being just a head and you still have to go to the dentist. A horror indeed!

Clearly the fear of dentists is one felt so strongly by humankind that even the robot who generated me this image is capable of recreating our nightmares with ease.

But worry not! For I have at last done my diligence and assembled a list of tips to traverse your orthodontic dilemmas.

They worked for me, they work for heads, and if you focus up and take them seriously they may just get you through your next check-up too.

---

1. Picture The Dentist Naked

Picturing a person naked works wonders for nerves in almost any situation. My dentist for instance, Tony, who apparently used to go by ‘Ham-Hands’ Tony in his career as an amateur wrestler twenty five years ago, not only loses his clothes, but his ominous scowl with them!
And when my eyes are closed and he’s wearing nothing but his scalpel, let me tell you the hands aren’t the hammiest thing about him. 

If you find this trick doesn’t work for you, I recommend first shopping around for new dentists that better suit your vision, otherwise go on to tip number two.

2. Sing a Soothing Song

As that large excavation drill lowers towards your molars, pop off into the best rendition of ‘The Saints Go Marching In’ that you’ve ever darn performed. 

If the dentist is impressed enough with your performance, they might even let you go without the free packet of dental floss and tooth mousse. 

Who knows? The Dentist might even sing back to you. Duets are the only way I’ve ever fallen in love after all. Maybe even a traumatic experience like a trip to the dentist could have a happy ending? And without the extra charge, too.

3. The ‘I Lost My Tooth’ Trick

An oldie but a goodie, it’s guaranteed to kill in front of anyone in mouth-centric health care. 

First, take a tiny-cut square of black paper, about the size of one your front teeth (this is important!). Then, stick it into your mouth right on the face of said tooth. You’ll find your natural saliva provides all the adhesive required for this arts and crafts fang-some fun!

Now when you’re seated and giddy in that reclining chair, just wait for the dentist to say ‘open wide!’ – And enjoy the shock on their face! 

In this more relaxed atmosphere of fun, the dentist can calmly start work on the intensive surgery required to replace your actual missing molars. 

4. Go Armed 

It’s that simple. When I’m nervous, nothing relaxes me more than knowing I have the advantage of a hidden weapon on my side.
The dentist has sharp scary tools, so it’s only fair that we do too. 

**Disclaimer, do not carry arms anywhere if you are unlicensed to do so. I worked hard for my dentist-grade throwing-knives license, and before following this tip, you should too.** 

5. Send a Body Double to Your Appointment 

A timeless classic, the body double technique used by royalty and politicians throughout history to avoid harm to their direct person, could see no better use in the modern day than to take your appointment at the dentist. 

The best part of this plan is that sending in the body double while disguised as the doubles mother, you would be able to watch from within the room as the person you’ve subjected to a full clean has their mouth clawed at by a ham-fisted Italian. 

Lets not forget, likely you’ve booked this appointment as their is a real concern with your own dental health that requires investigation. For this reason, afterwards take a moment to confirm the physical state of your double. 
If harm-free, you can whip off the wig to say ‘I was your patient all along!’ Then jump into the chair for your turn to have those hammy hands fix those foul little bones lined betwixt them juicy lips.

**Authors note: at this point in the article, I decided to describe teeth as ‘little bones’ and your lips as ‘juicy.’ Unlike the rest of this article, I cannot confirm these statements to be accurate. Having never met you (god forbid) or read a medical textbook (ew), I admit it was a leap to trust this terminology. Unfortunately, once I have written something I then have no choice but to double down. Plus, this is my article damnit, mine. So for the purposes of this article and hell, the rest of your day, go ahead and confidently smack those juicy gobbers against them little bones with the confidence of a reader who believes anything a writer says online. As anyone should.

6. Tell the Dentist You Know Exactly How They’re Going to Die

This I find to be a marvel of a trick in any situation where a persons must see you as holding information too important to let harm come to you too soon. Believe me, it’s seen me through a pickle or too. Dental appointments included.

The key with it is to wait just until the power-drill is a mere few centimetres from your gaping juicy lips- before you hit them with a phrase like: “Oh, your last moments came to me in a vision…”
The drill in your mouth will prevent you from going on, but it will also prevent the dentist from being overly-sloppy with their handling of the demolition-grade power tool. Wanting to hear more, they may even get through the appointment faster in order to question you more on the fun facts!

Unfortunately, when the appointment does end the dentist will want to hear the rest of what you have to say. At which point, I’d hope you put the time you were lying there open-mouthed to good use!

If you did not manage to think up any specific kinds of deaths, I like to go with the classic, “Sorry, I forgot from all the drilling,” followed by an eye roll to the ceiling and walking out the room with the dentists lamp-light blockers still balanced on my pointy nose.

Another dentist trip survived, another free pair of shades.

7. Disassociate

Most of the time, you may find the real issue you have with something is that it directly affects your person and state of being.

I hate that!

Therefore one of the most fail-safe solutions to overcome any unwelcome circumstance is to seperate the meaning of body and soul within your consciousness. Give it a go!
Done right, the dentist will be able to do anything they want to your limp body, and from your new perspective as a ‘third party’ observer floating through the void, it’ll seem only like watching a thing happen to another thing.

Not only will you make it through your dental appointment anxiety-free, but you get up to ten sessions of therapeutic counselling partially-funded through medicare as part of a mental healthcare plan.

**Note, the latter is only valid to native Australian citizens. See your countries local mental health care programs for more relevant details.

8. Become a Dentist

You may have heard that the best way to overcome an aversion is to confront it directly. Afraid of snakes? Get down on the ground and slither around. Afraid of dogs? Go bite someone.
This tactic of getting into the mindset of the subject of the phobia is age-old and century-proven.
And I know that without even needing to look it up.

Becoming a dentist can take some time and be quite a life-style commitment, but believe me, not only will understanding the profession of dentistry from the inside-out lead to an overcoming of your appointment-centric anxiety, but it may also be really interesting and make you lots of money. The work hours can be flexible and pay is well compensated for someone with a bit of experience.

So get out there, take an exam and live your professional life phobia-free!

9. Take a Chill Pill

It sounds easy, but that’s because it is.

Like most things in life, when all else fails the best solution is lots and lots of drugs. Drugs can cure almost anything. Depression, anxiety, anger, alcoholism, and prostate enlargement, are only a few of the many conditions you could be rid of with just a handful of drugs.

Trust me, with enough drugs **And medical supervision through your GP or Psychiatrist** you can confront anything without the feeling of… well, anything! Haha!

It’s the best!

10. Eat a Huge Meaty Sandwich

Ever been more nervous about the Dentist seeing gross food stuck in your teeth and smelling your bad breath even more than you were of the tools poking around in your mouth?

Well this is about the worst thing for those people. A huge meaty sandwich just sounds really nice, and going in on a full stomach might help you think straight and feel confident… but there will be tons of food caught in your teeth, and you’ll stink.
Look, I dunno I’m writing ten of these stupid things. Who said the last one would be the best? Sometimes in life you make a couple good points, then realise you committed yourself to ten. Leave me alone.

Honestly, if you’ve gone through nine different tips to help your jittery ass sit through a ten minute check-up and none of them have worked, maybe take better care of your teeth and shut-it.

The dentist isn’t so bad. Sometimes they have a TV on the ceiling and you can watch cooking shows. When else will you sit and watch a cooking show? So get over it.
Eat a sandwich, ya bone-mouthed lip smacker.

**Authors note: At the end of this article I get kind of shitty and sad about myself, and channel these feelings through anger against the admittedly innocent reader. On behalf of myself, I want to say I’m sorry. You came here for good advice to help you through something that likely stems from a debilitating trauma, rooted in childhood. Instead, you found a sarcastic article giving terrible advice that may only work for a handful of people rather than the general public. Such as, the idea about the big meaty sandwich. But at its core that’s what a blog is. So, in the timeless words of Hubert Cecil Booth the inventor of the first powered vacuum: ‘Sucked in, fuckers.’

---

There you have it!

Now at your next appointment, show those shiny teeth in a wide smile as you look Ham-Hands Tony in the eye and tell him from me, “We’re not afraid of you anymore, motherfucker.”
Follow this up by spitting in his face, then take a seat in that admittedly comfortable dentist chair to get cool with your shades on and enjoy an episode of ‘Who Let this Be a Restaurant?’ ‘- Blissfully ignoring the taste of latex gloves and metal poking ’round your tonsils.

Go you!