With the cost of housing being what it is, living inside of whales has increasingly become the go-to for home-buyers on a budget.
We can all agree that having a place to call your own is a basic human right- and what place more convenient than the warm, moist insides of the largest mammal on Earth?
Talkin’ one bedroom, one bathroom (don’t ask), and parking space for your mini-submersible, plus living land-tax free. These are only a few of the reasons that a whale is a first-home buyers wet dream.
But I’m not here to sell it to you, if you’ve found this article you’re probably sitting comfortably at this moment atop a giant tongue, laptop on your knees and wifi-router crammed behind a lump of ambergris, trying to think of how in the blue sea one could spruce this place up a bit?

Luckily, I have been in the business of interior design and marine biology for quite a long time,* and will share just a few of my tips with you lucky f*cks. Get ready to get your cozy on!

*Time being relative, in this case I am speaking relative to the life of say, a mayfly? A mayfly would be absolutely blown away by my wealth of marine knowledge, if it could live long enough to learn and interpret human speech (which it would, given time). Anyway please stop overthinking my expertise. Look, a trendy tip is coming!

1. Hang a Paper Lamp

To begin, it’s that simple. These fine hand-crafted Japanese lamp shades are the perfect trendy-pick for any homey interior, and your whale is no exception.
Although perhaps on the pricier side of lighting decorum, this glowing sphere is a must for cozying-up the mood of your space. Hang it from a uvula, or a even a blowhole, and revel in the soft luminescence of East-Asia’s best use of paper since origami throwing stars.

Mmm, cosy!

Note: Paper may become soggy when wet.

2. A Vintage Ikea Kartell (By Anna Castelli)

A common concern with the open-living design of a whales insides is going to be storage. Thus, brought to you by the revolutionary designer Anna Castelli Ferrieri (survived by her two children), this cute little unit is perfect for keeping anything that’s fits inside. It can even be used as a bedside-table in place of your whales back-molar (it smells nicer too). This vintage Ikea gem is perfect for adding that splash of ‘wow’ to your cute little storage solutions.

3. Scented Candles

Although a little obvious, a growing concern with living on the inside of a whale is that it stinks like sh*t. Like they stink. Let me tell you, your house-cleaning schedule better include brushing this f*ckers teeth cos they certainly won’t do it themselves.
But worry not, to counteract the (literal) rotting fish and acidic toxins, any scented candle (I recommend Baies available from Mecca) will not only turn this b*tches stomach into a f*cking rosefield, the soft flickering glow will make your whale feel like date-night, every night.

4. A Vintage Record Player

The best part about owning a record player is that you don’t even need to listen to the 50s-80s trash that those things play. A record player is there to look nice. And most importantly of all, make you look like someone with taste. For once.

So drop a couple hundo, line up some vinyls and then go do anything else, because this whale is about to become retro AF.

Authors Note: Believe me, if Mermaids are real… and some contend that they are… playing a vintage record would be how you hook one into hooking up. Merpeople LOVE a retro vibe and would definitely sleep with you first sight of a spinning land disk. Actually, I’ve been doing some research into this very subject recently, so hopefully expect a new article with more info to come soon…

5. Put Up a Funky Poster

We all like print-outs, and we all love funk. A poster is the best way to tick off both these categories- guaranteed.

The poster could be something funny like a picture of a whale with the caption, ‘Having a whale of a time,’ or ‘Whale-come to my abode.’ Such a caption would give all your visitors a little giggle and look super hip hanging by the bookshelf. Its an instant guarantee to ensure that ‘whale of a time’ becomes more than just a silly joke, and instead forms a real connection between you and your family.
Another tip for your poster (if you’d like to have two) could be something like say, a sexy model. This is basically fail-safe. The sexy model poster has been populating walls since print was invented, and remains trendy as ever for a tasteful living space with just a hint of horny.
Perfect to have for hanging with friends, or maybe for forming a real connection between you and your family.

6. A Cat Tree

Just because you live in a whale doesn’t mean your cats have to sit around and be bored.
Options for cat trees have expanded over the last few years to include all kinds of groovy looks that would blend right into your whale-space interior with flare.
There’s no better way to tell your guests that your not just a cat owner but a cat lover, than to find the space for making your furry friend as cosy as can be. Even under the sea!

*To all you sh*tfaced haters who keep saying it’s unethical to bring your cat with you into the stomach of a fl*pping whale, let me tell you this: Cats. Love. Fish. Living inside of a fish is literally their dream-home. I love peaches, and hey, if I found a giant one, go ahead and call me ‘James’ any day of the week.
And also to you brainwashed media-mites who say that whales are not fish, take it from a guy who has google and a colouring book and have a look at the fins- then tell me that isn’t a fish. How about the fish tail? Now, walk away.

7. A Fishtank

Keeping a fish in a little tank is the perfect way to torment a creature by enclosing it in space where it can do nothing but be stared at by large mammals all day. Now imagine taking that fish and putting it somewhere so close to it’s natural home, but still never letting it be free. Only a psychopath would pass up the opportunity
(Not to mention the fun this would bring to your cats**).
Yes I know, a fish tank can be pricey to maintain. But lucky for you, natural ocean water is so accessible that keeping a saltwater critter in regularly-filtered water (the whale just has to open it’s mouth), would never be an issue. This saves precious time and cost.
Just another benefit to living in a whale.

Authors Note: Themes of cruelty to sea-based creatures is a running concept played with within this article, yes. However before you go and judge I should clarify that I’m in fact a vegetarian. So no matter what you think, I have the moral high-ground secure below my proverbial feet.
Essentially, I can say whatever I want while you complain through a mouthful of sashimi, and still I’ll be the better person. I can bully a fish, sure, but I would never be so crass as to eat the poor sucker. Psychological torment is one thing, but I draw the line at ingestion.

8. A Digital Fireplace

The perfect way to instantly cozy up the atmosphere of a room is of course a cold image that depicts to the world a traditional idea of heat. A digital fireplace may not physically warm, but it will cuddle you mind and soul while tickling the cockles of your heart and groin.
Be wary, it us key that this is only a digital fireplace, as lighting a real fire from inside a whale may very well cause said whale to sneeze, thereby forcefully ejecting yourself and all your funky furniture straight to the ocean floor.
On a similar note, do check your whale for symptoms of cough or cold prior to moving in.

Your place is really getting toasty! Let’s put the finishing touches.

9. A Checker Pattern Rug

Checkers are way in this season. And you don’t even have to know how to play! Just checker-it-up and throw it down at the foot of your convertible couch-bed (with storage space below) for a perfect trendy touch. Checker patterns on rugs, cushions, tablecloths, bedsheets, toilet seats, raw meats- essentially anything in your home with a surface- can benefit from the power of a couple different coloured squares arranged beside each other in alternating patterns. Trust me, anything is better than the bland pinks and reds of an animals insides.
And with this, your modern-living whale space is almost just right.

10. The Head of a Mannequin

Let me ask you this. Look around your room right now… what do you not see?

That’s right. If the answer was a plastic persons disembodied head, then I must say sir/madam/other, that you have been doing it all wrong.

There are a million reasons why a mannequin head is going to be the trendiest little pop of style for any room, whale stomachs being no exception.

For a start, you can dress it up however you want! Glasses, wigs, hats, moustaches, any of these costumes you would have had strewn across the floor, now have a place to rest and look dashing doing it.

And lets admit, all that time under the sea with nothing but a big ‘ol whale for company? Life can get pretty lonely. Maybe having another head around could give you more than just a quirky piece of decorum. It could listen to your woes, it could give you comfort. And that’s only two of the three things a head could give you.
So head out to your local op-shop/ship wreck, and grab yourself a disembodied head for cheap! (Tip: The ones found at shipwrecks are much more realistic).

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And there you have it, from bland stomach walls and organ bores, this whale is converted to cosy corners for fashion-fawners.
Invite friends, family, and mermaid lovers over to your new undersea bachelor/ette pad and show it off with pride. You’ve earned it. And hey, have some sashimi on me.

Also sell the ambergris. You’ll make a ton.

Toodaloo!